Reflection #15
Assalamualaikum.
So tonight I've been receiving a shocking news (which it is not supposed to be shocking) and it turned me upside down. These last two years, I have been through every single possible pains that I can experience yet I am standing still until today. People might see me as if I am 'okay' inside out but what is really happening, only God knows it. The bitterness I had to swallow when I fake a smile so that no one will be worrying about me. The pain I am holding every time I go to sleep crying, so painful I can't even breath properly. Even more painful when I am trying to stop myself from sobbing and crying and longing. The irritation when I have to lie just to make someone else happy, and to make myself happy. The lies that in the end turned me into a sadist, pathetic lonely girl. The fact that I tried to deny all this while had finally ate my soul, leaving my body almost soul-less, almost heartless. If only those pains can be seen by these two eyes of mine, I am sure I won't have the guts to see them. If you can imagine, an impala tries to cross the Nile River full of saltwater crocodiles. That pitiful impala reached the center of the river and what happen next is a crocodile grabbed it at its neck and turn it around and around and around until the neck almost separated from its body. BUT, the impala is still alive. Then come another crocodile bite it at its tummy and shred it into pieces. Only then, the impala dies. Can you imagine it? I can say that was what happened to my heart and soul. It has been shredded, the difference is that I am still breathing fine. At least, the impala dies and it is the end of its suffering. But me? I have to carry all the burden with me till the end of time.
BUT..
I have to be thankful. Isn't it? Be thankful that I still have my family by my side. There are a lot of other people out there who doesn't have a father, or a mother, or even both. Be thankful because instead of those pains, I still manage to finish my study and I am holding my bachelor degree. And most of all, be thankful for I am still breathing. So that I will have the chance to repent, and seek for my eternal happiness. Right? To be truth, I am starting to hate all those cliche and rhetorical questions thrown to me. Can you just shut your mouth and stop asking questions to me? Can't you just give me a break? I really wanted to shout that. Instead, I go smiling and answered, I am fine. No worries. How on Earth I can be fine? Tell me. Sigh. You have no idea how I have been struggling to grab back the rope of hope. You never know how hard it was to gasp for the air when I was trampled by the walls. Give me space that I need. I need so much time to regain back my energy, to get back my sane self.
Ya Allah, pinjamkan lah aku sikit je lagi kekuatan dan kesabaran. Sikit je lagi :(
So tonight I've been receiving a shocking news (which it is not supposed to be shocking) and it turned me upside down. These last two years, I have been through every single possible pains that I can experience yet I am standing still until today. People might see me as if I am 'okay' inside out but what is really happening, only God knows it. The bitterness I had to swallow when I fake a smile so that no one will be worrying about me. The pain I am holding every time I go to sleep crying, so painful I can't even breath properly. Even more painful when I am trying to stop myself from sobbing and crying and longing. The irritation when I have to lie just to make someone else happy, and to make myself happy. The lies that in the end turned me into a sadist, pathetic lonely girl. The fact that I tried to deny all this while had finally ate my soul, leaving my body almost soul-less, almost heartless. If only those pains can be seen by these two eyes of mine, I am sure I won't have the guts to see them. If you can imagine, an impala tries to cross the Nile River full of saltwater crocodiles. That pitiful impala reached the center of the river and what happen next is a crocodile grabbed it at its neck and turn it around and around and around until the neck almost separated from its body. BUT, the impala is still alive. Then come another crocodile bite it at its tummy and shred it into pieces. Only then, the impala dies. Can you imagine it? I can say that was what happened to my heart and soul. It has been shredded, the difference is that I am still breathing fine. At least, the impala dies and it is the end of its suffering. But me? I have to carry all the burden with me till the end of time.
BUT..
I have to be thankful. Isn't it? Be thankful that I still have my family by my side. There are a lot of other people out there who doesn't have a father, or a mother, or even both. Be thankful because instead of those pains, I still manage to finish my study and I am holding my bachelor degree. And most of all, be thankful for I am still breathing. So that I will have the chance to repent, and seek for my eternal happiness. Right? To be truth, I am starting to hate all those cliche and rhetorical questions thrown to me. Can you just shut your mouth and stop asking questions to me? Can't you just give me a break? I really wanted to shout that. Instead, I go smiling and answered, I am fine. No worries. How on Earth I can be fine? Tell me. Sigh. You have no idea how I have been struggling to grab back the rope of hope. You never know how hard it was to gasp for the air when I was trampled by the walls. Give me space that I need. I need so much time to regain back my energy, to get back my sane self.
Ya Allah, pinjamkan lah aku sikit je lagi kekuatan dan kesabaran. Sikit je lagi :(
